everyone has a movie within, what's yours?

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 04:36:35 GMT

So I'll be the first one to admit when I was about to come home for summer I was dreading it. I know that I had a rough semester but I was not ready to come back to the nightmare I had left behind. All the pain and all the bridges I had burned. I wanted to stay far away from all the things I originally ran from and I just didn't wanna deal with the same thigns I've always ahd to deal with it. Coming back was bittersweet I elft some of my closest friends for months and I didn't know how I was going to make it in this small town for a whole summer. I adjusted soon enough, like I always do, and began falling into old patterns. getting to know my friends again and trying to catch up so that we were on the same page. Slowly I grew to enjoy my time at home and began to grow and realize my true friendships and I realized all the unnecessary thigns I used to surround myself with. I can say I grew up a lot in my first year of college. Maybe the things I went through have made me the strong person I've always strived to be. I just felt happy for once and I was surprised that I achieved happiness so easily. I grew closer to some friends and farther away from others. I noticed things I enjoyed about people and thigns that I wanted nothing to do with it. I may have distanced myself from some people but honestly I don't think i did anything wrong. As everyone knows I'm always looking for that special person, someone to be with and be happy something I have not found in someone in a very long time. Unfortuantely, I put myself on the line tooe arly in the summer and I dealt with some of the same bullshit that I always do. I have moved past random hook-ups and joke relationships, I want something substanial something with purpose, something that is reassuring, something that is real. I soon realized that I needed to change my outlook if I was ever going to find this. I mean look at this past year, I liked someone so incredibly much at two seperate times and I was scared to put myself out there truly and I created fights and strained friendships b/c I was scared of whatever. I've come to realize that I am what I am and that's it....there's nothing more. I don't want to change for anyone and if I want to do soemthing then I am. Well with this new attitude I just really started to become much more free and udnerstanding of people and situations that surround my daily life. I feel as if I listen a little better to people and I try ahrd to make those around me as happy as I can. I know it's not my responsibility but I know oh so well that it's those friends that are always there that you look back on with gratitude as you cry thinking about memories. That's one thing I do a lot less of, cry. I was so down this past semester that it seemed as if I was an emotional wreck. I didn't know what i wanted or what to do or what to believe or anything. Well anwyays I'm jsut rambling really so i'll make a point. My point is that right now at 12:25 on July 25th....I am happy with myself which is something that took me months to regain and I'm so glad to be back. I have pulled myself through probabaly one of the hardest things I will ever go through. No my life is not fantastic by any means but at least I smile and mean it instead of hiding behind the perfect facade I portrayed for so long. I had my first real job which I quit two days ago....my mom is pissed and I'm a little worried but I was tired of the bullshit Id ealt with. I couldn't take working for managers who were so incredibly disrespectful and I was not eltting someone walk all over me. Will i get a new job? hopefully I need to. I promsied my mom i'd help oout some this eyar with my expenses. i got an apartment which i'm SO excited about but at the same time i'm nervous. This year I feel as if I will not be happy at usc which is why i am planning on transferring. I've said it before but I'm serious about it now....i've ahd enough of the city of columbia and I just feel like it brigns me down. I want to go to UNC so bad....I haven't told a lot of people b/c nothing is set in stone eyt but soon enough hopefully I will be a tarheel. Why do i wanna come home? I like chapel hill, I miss friends, I miss my mom, and it's harder than I thought being so far away from everything you've ever know....especially when you're still a dependent. I miss those drunken nights with antalie and thsoe trips to wal-amrt with ajckie and def all the sleepovers with al=pal and big gurl. I realize ntohing will ever be the same I jsut want the availablity to see some of the ebst people of my life when i want. As far as guys go....things have been very good as of late. I've met a great guy. Am I interested? yes He's probably one of the best guys I've met. I feel like we relate well and have a lot in common....we'll see how things go. I am not going to put myself so far out there like I always do....i'm taking it slow with this one...I guess doing it the way thigns should be done. Just going with the flow. Oh and he is also gorgeous but that's besides the point. But yeah back to my point. I'm listening to dashboard jsut like evrytime that I update my journal and I am in such a great mood....this is a nice change to the sadness I usually feel when lsitening to their music but yeah it's great. Well anyways i don't really know i what typed but i was just in the mood to update and yeah so I did.

close your eyes and you'll miss more than you can imagine

Tue, 03 May 2005 06:27:47 GMT

today I sat in my room all by myself for the entire day. I didn't take a shower...I didn't eat...I didn't drink. I rummaged through my mountains of clothes and rearranged furnitue (and went shopping for some too) and began packing. As I pack my life away into these boxes yet again. I can't help but think about everything that has happened to me in this short amount of time. I came to college having experience part of what life had to offer but I also came with naivty(sp?). Sure I had been palces and seen things and experiended everything else had but I guess I had never really put myself at risk. I was always the one in high school who everyone thought was happy and perfect and just great. I put on such a great facade and hid the scars that gave me pain at night. The scars I'd cry myself to sleep about. I was hiding in this body, pretending to be the one who always did good was involved and was happy...I must say I deserved an oscar for that one. I couldn't wait to come to college...I needed to get away from it all so bad. Away from everyone knowing me and evryone looking up to me and asking me for help with their problems. I needed to go somewhere and just be me....not the person everyone else wanted me to be. When I first got to college, I regretted moving so far away from my closest friends...I missed them, as I didn't know but only person at usc. At first I kept to myself, I didn't really make the effort to make friends...I just had me time I was alone...I was functioning by myself and I loved it. I mean sure i was spending my parents money but it was as free as I could get. I never really made the effort to meet any one on my hall or my building or in my classes. I just did my work and then relaxed. Sure, sometimes I'd get incredibly lonely when a friday came around and I was sitting home alone but then I remembered how nice it was to kinda slip through the cracks for once. Slowly but surely I started making friends into a community in which I would later regret being a part of. The first guy I hooked up with here deserves an oscar for the facade he paints on as well....and I fell for it. Stupid I know, but everyone makes mistakes. He was nice enough and I didn't know any better and yeah. I slowly became known in this new gay community after this incident and started attending parties etc. The next guy I was interested inw as perfect. He was hot and smart and funny and made me feel good about myself. He was great...I guess you could say we hit it off. We never officially dated for unspoken of reasons but he lead me into something in which only hurt me in the end. It wasn't the first time a guy had hurt my feeligns by far....but this time it def hurt a lil worse because I was embarassed. I was embarassed to think that I had been made a fool of. Automatically, I cut him and everyone clsoe to him out of my life. I couldn't deal with it...I had been lied to about some things and I was just upset. Was this the right way to deal with it? No, def not but it helped me get through it a little easier. Now while I liked this person a lot, I did some things that weren't the greatest. I'm not saying I was perfect because by no means was I. I had been seeing someone else on the side for a large part of the time we were hanging out. I did it as a safety net...because of the things I had heard. I regret this deeply...not only because I didn't like this other eprson but because I shouldn't listen to others and make dumb decisions based on it. I just wish I could change that...besides that other person never cared more about me than the hour I saw him. Now you may ask, does he go to class or party? Yeah about this time, I was beginning to drink a little heavier. I had drank a lot in high school but swore it off after a few instances. I was not going to fall into a nasty cycle in college...I was going to be strong. Ha! That didn't last long...it was there and it helped ease certain situations. Well I had met people besides guys....yes if you can believe it....and I really began getting close to one eprson in particular. Our personalities worked sow ell together, we could relate on so many levels but yet we were so diff. It was cool to meet someone that I could call a best friend. Someone I trusted 100%. Well after a short fall break with my new best friend, I came back to cola and had personally decided to move on and find someone new. That took me les than a week, by that wednesday I already ahd the next guy lined up. An older guy but smart and very polite. Things kinda snow-balled from there and we began dating within a short amount of time. Iw as happy...I had a bed with someone in it who cared about me. Someone who I could hang out with and be normal and someone I could call mine. I needed this so bad. Well it wasn't everything Iw anted it to be. I made a lot of mistakes and my insecurities crept up on me. I avoided alone time and picked fights. I didn't do it on purpose, I just was scared of being hurt. I fought myself so hard to just let my guard down and to let this persong et to know me. Unfortunately, I never did. Thye never got to know the real me because Iw as too concerned with previous flings or what not. I couldn't get over things so easily...no matter if I tried to pretend everything was ok. During the time in which I dated this person...my alcohol abuse rose severely. I was downing entire bottles at parties...getting so drunk I couldn't remember the night. I was drinking away all the things I didn't like about my life at that point. Now this eprson did not this at all...I regret this so much. They were so good to me and put up with some bullshit but I still treated them badly. I wish I hadn't because afetrwards I saw how great of a eprson they were but it was too late by then and I couldn't fix the damage I had done. Well being the serial dater that I had became, I stayed single for a mere week. Crazy....yes I know. But the idea of having someone was just too appealing and I needed it like I was a drug addict neededing a fix. This guy was great. I was so happy...he was so good to me and older and perfect and hot and out of the scene and CRAZY. I slwoly learned that while he seemed so perfect....he in fact was out of his mind. He tried manipulating me into thinking things that weren't true....he tried to tear me apart. I realized this soon...thankfully...and played him. I didn't let him bring me down but instead I taught him a lesson. I rebelled against him and didn't do as he told...and it ended badly. He's still bitter to this day but you know what I don't care. He was a mere pretty face to me...he had nothing else to offer me. Meanwhile, during the time in which we dated...I started talking to my buddy from the earlier semester and I ended up hooking up with him the day after I broke up. I also had came to terms with my "fling" i guess you could say and we started building a friendship. He was very sweet and while I knew he cared about me...it was diffucult for me to let him back into my life, but I did. After my last relationship, I experienced frat bois and ex boyfriends of ex-flings and best friends and I made lot of mistakes. I was in stuck a destructive downfall. I was drinking too much and even smoking weed with some people. WHile I think these thigns are ok...the amount of which you indulge in these practices should be monitored. Well mine were not. At the beginning of my spring semester...my life is one big blur. Parties that I couldn't remember, dumb fights over stupid things, and the escalating battle I was fighitng within. I was so upset and I had began living underneath my facade again. I had pulled it out and I wore it everyday and it was comfortable and everything was fine, right? Wrong. After endless nights of crying to my best friend and upset IM's at 4 am...I realized it was time for a change. I distanced myself fromt hose closest to me and developed other friends. I started doing diff kinds of thigns and ahnging out with different people. I began getting extremely close to a small clique in which was called the PSC. Not meant to start any fights or create any drama but jsut meant to be an inside joke. But wait, I forgot that in the small world of USC if you have an inside joke with someone it's because you're talking about people. people can't jsut relate on their experiences together and the second you don't include everyone, you're a bitch. What a childish train of though but sadly this is true. Everyone is constantly trying to bring everyone down and no1 can ever just be happy because there's always someone there to steal it from them. And I know you're thinking to not listen to them....but soemtimes that's impossible maybe because I'm weak or maybe because I'm human. But I slowly started secluding myself from a large part of the community in hopes of escaping that drama. I slowly began withdrawing myself from certain social situations not because I didn't love my friends but because I needed a break. Break? Breaks don't exist in this hell either. As i grew apart from old friends and grew clsoe to new friends...I realized that not had my relationships this eyar all been fucked up but also some of my friendships. Not fucked up in the way that either of us was a bad friend to us but fucked up in the way that it wasn't normal that it was weird and diff and I was no longer happy. Well to end that long story short, I ended up with not only a bruised eye but a bruised heart as I showed the abttle wounds of a friendship gone wrong. This tore me to pieces, I no longer had my best friend. Yeah I still had my other close friends but this eprson ahd been there through it all and it was all thrown away in one drunken night full of mistakes amde on both aprts. Hoping to move on without any drama ocuring b/c of it was a silly dream. As I was outed to 27,000 people, I sat in my room crying....thinking what I ahd done to anyone to make them do that. To make them want to put my life at risk...to twist stories and to ruin my self-esteem. I quickly began to jsut stop functioning. I stopped attending classes and functions and I even stopped talking to people. I would stay with my closest friends and hold them close because whether or not the knew it....at that point they were the only thing I had. I picked up the pieces of my semester and cried every time I thought about it. I was so lsot inside myself that I didn't know what to do...I needed comfort and I found it in a familiar face. I found the comfort of just being clsoe to someone...no matter what the circumstances but jsut the ability to fall asleep with someone who truly cared about me laying there and talking to me and being the great person they were. We were helping each other I'd like to think, seeing as though they had a rough semester as well. I did everything I could do for them and I think I did a good job, I hope so at least. This person has done so much and i doubt they know it because i prob don't tell them enough and they prob don't understand how much they were there when I needed someone to care the most. I'm not saying my other friends turned their backs on me because that isn't the case at all. I love all of my friends at usc...they have helped me in their own way to rebuild somewhat of the person I used to be. Now msot people prob don't even know they did b/c they didn't even know that I was as low as I was. I kept it inside or within close friends. And maybe you reading this are thinking that I sound like an "underage teenage drama queen" but until you have lived my life and dealt with the hings I have and have these things happen to you then you don't know. You have no idea the things I dela with on a daily basis or the trigegrs that set off bad memories or the scars that I've tried to deal with it. You don't know. So if you judge me, then judge me because honestly I don't get a fuck anymore. I have had my name taken from me and I have gotten it back. It was so hard to bring myself back up that I will never let myself get that low. And I as I sit here and cry as I write this, I cry because it was/is ahrd to talk about but I also cry because I am stronger because of it and I have grown as a person which makes these tears of joy. I may have missed every class I had for months but personally I do not feel ashamed. I fixed a lot of things that were wrong with me and it might seem selfish but it meant more to me than writing english papers or doing projects. So as I sat in my room today and looked through papers nad mementos and looked at the random shirts or shorts or hats or wooden sheep or buttons or anything....I cried and I remembered all the good things about this semester. I thought about all the people who would do anything for me and me the same for the them...I thought about all the fun nights and crazy stories. I even thought of the fights and how stupid they were and I thought about how happy I am that I'm surrounded by the people that I am. I let myself go today and I'm not ashamed. I relived a lot of memories that I will have for my entire life. Good or bad...they will always be there and I love the fact that I shared them with you. I wish I could say soem things on here but i know they would be sued against me in some way so if you want to ask/talk/comment about this entry then do and I will respond and I will tell you all the great things you have done for me...thank you...you've helped me more than you'll eevr know. And if you're reading this and are laughing or think it's funny or cheesey then so be it because you know what...you should take a look at your year or even your life and thinka bout all the things you are grateful for and all the things that you've experienced and then you won't think I'm dumb. You'll realize that we all have a movie within, (what's yours?).

I don't feel like don't spell check because this was a free-write and i'm going to leave it as I typed it because that's how it came out and that's how it should be.

don't you see that the charade is over

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 15:18:48 GMT

As this year is slowly coming to a close, it's only natural that I go back and look at everything that has happened. When I came to USC, I only knew one person and as I check my facebook today and realize that's I've made almost 200 friends....I am amazed. I have grown so much in this year that I don't even think I can remember who I used to be. I was so naive but I soon learned that college, while the time of your life, would also be a time that would offer so many different obstacles that it seemed impossible sometimes. Lately I've been wanting to go home so bad and that's only to get away but I've realized going home will change nothing. I'll stil have had the same experiences, I can't erase the bad ones and just keep the good ones. As a freshman I have been through a lot, I have a story to tell almost every weekend and I am going to miss these crazy people that I've grown to love when I go home for summer. But for me summer means sanity, summer means nothing that I don't want around me, summer means a time to relax and just not care. I'm going to miss someone people a lot more though and I doubt they even know it. I've been mean to some of the people here who have always been the nicest to me and who'd do anything for me. He's leaving for med-school nexy semester and I'll probably never get to make up for all the things I did to him but he seems to be able to forge some type of friendship with me and that's what I'll take. I guess I just realized that that one person truly did mean most of the things he said and that I was just too scared to listen. Some people though have really hurt my feelings lately. I feel as if to some people I am above and beyond the best friend I can be to them and I wonder if they even notice or appreciate it. It's hard to know that you try so hard and that some people just don't care. I mean I'm not saying I have never done anything wrong to them but sometimes it'd just be nice for some recognition for being there for them...but maybe that'll never happen, which is sad, but possibly true. It's just amazing how completely fucked up some friendships can be and then people can just act as if everything is alright. So i've def been single almost all semester. My last bf was yeah about that. Very nice and very nice to me but way too controlling. Afterwards, he acted very childish which is sad to see considering how much older than me he is but honestly I don't care. I never really had true feelings for him. Yes, it was fun to be with him but i felt like I was escaping and that I had found this great guy out of the scene who was hot and smart and secure. Well, yeah that def turned out not to be true but I still had fun with him. I haven't been on a true date since him though, which makes me sad but I def think I deserve one. Oh well, life goes on. I'm so excited that my birthday is saturday despite that people say it's not an important birthday. Birthdays are important to me. It's a time to celebrate the year that has passed and personally I cannot wait to celebrate and move on past everything that has happened in a year. It's time to start fresh and I kinda look at my birthday as a chance to make this year 10000000 times better. Well I actually tired of writing, I was motivated and then realized I had some stuff to do. Maybe I'll update later. But here's some lyrics to a song I discovered that I abosolutely LOVE.

Something that I never had
Lindsay Lohan

Do you see me
Do you feel me like I feel you
Call your number
I can not get through
You don't hear me and I dont understand
When I reach out I dont find your hand

Was it wasted words and did they mean a thing
And all our precious time but I still feel so in between

Some day I just keep pretending
That youll say dreaming of a diffrent ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had

I keep tell myself things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out you could always change your mind
Like a fairy tale where it works out in the end
Can I close my eyes have you lying here again
Then I come back down
They I fade back in
Then I realize its just what might have been.

Am I a shadow on your wall
Am I anything at all
Anything to you
Am I a secret that you keep
Do you dream me while your sleeping after all
Some day I just keep pretending
That youll say dreaming of a diffrent ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had
That I never had
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had
You dont see me, you dont feel me like I feel you

I don't want you to miss me and I don't want you to miss me

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 03:16:49 GMT

i just want to go home...lately i've realized how much I miss it and all it's comforts. I love my friends here...I just want to be at home in my bed and with nothing around me that brings me down.

blah

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 00:52:03 GMT

So I haven't updated in a while and a lot has happened. I've lost some friends and made some new ones and I've grown as a person. I didn't get to go home for easter which was sad but I had a good weekend just hanging out. School has been hectic these past couple of weeks and I have been going through a lot. Sometimes it's frustrating because it seems like this is just too much going on. Sometimes I wish I was back at home with all the new people I met at college erased out of my life. Honestly, I've gotten heart break and lied to and backstabbed and what not this year and I really thought I was moving away from such things. Although, I'd be lying to myself if I said some of the people that I cared most about didn't belong to my friends at college. Some of the people I've met have been great and have been there for me through a lot. However, I just don't know if I can take much more of the scene. There is always drama and always something wrong and no matter how much someone says they don't care....they surely get involved in some way. I've beent rying to lay low and escape all the dumb and pety drama for these past couple weeks. As far as the love life goes....meh. I mean I dunno I find people attractive and interesting but for a long time none would live up to this one particular person. This person who, in my eyes, was great. Well I've recently taken a look around me and realized that the person I had compared people too was in fact not the person I wanted. I'm not saying I waited/said no because of this person, they were just a model for my expectations. Now I realize that the person who was the model of my expectations was not at all what I wanted. I guess it hurts to admit that because I feel like a fool but at the same time I'm happy that I don't have to waste my time. I just know I will never let myself get into situations that will hurt me ever again. I've been good about that all semester and I'm happy about that. Am I happy with everything I've done this semester? No. I have made some of the same mistakes as last semester and I don't know why. Maybe I listen to people or read too much into things or just don't always make the right decisions....either way I'm done with that. I can't take anymore of people's constant mind games. Everyone plays them (most everyone) and it's getting old. I feel a lot of the times that I can't trust certain things with certain friends which upsets me because to me a friend (a true friend) is someone who you can trust 100%. However, I am forced to censor myself on a daily basis which is bullshit because then it makes me wonder why I would put myself into such a situation. I love all of my friends and hopefully they feel the same way....it's just sometimes I feel like people are working against me in the littlest ways but still against me. I guess I feel this because I don't really have a best friend here and haven't since I've been at college. There's always that one person who you are just connected to and I guess I haven't found that here. That's a big change for me from leaving jackie to having nothing hasn't been the easiest thing in the world. I know she'd do anything and everything for me and me for her but I guess it's hard to find that everywhere in everyone and maybe I should stop looking. my goal for the rest of the semester is to do as best as I can in all my classes and to be happy. If a situation isn't making me happy then I will walk away from and deal with it later. This may seem selfish but oh well. I want to surround myself with only people that make me happy and nothing else. I'm sorry but I think I need this now more than ever. As summer approaches I still have yet figured out what I'm doing about this summer, where I'm living, etc. Sometimes I don't want to come back to USC, there's just so much here I dislike but sometimes I lvoe it because of my experiences and my friends. It hurts when I'm alone a lot and I can't tell anyone how I truly feel. I tell people my secrets and create that bond but I guess I have a problem truly opening up to people due to the fact that I'm so inside myself. It takes a lot for me to tell people stuff and because I've been hurt so much in the past...I very rarely do. I just want someone to be there I can always count on, I want to be happy, and I want to just have fun in life. I just can't take much more that USC has to offer before I crazy.

always look forward not into the past

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 06:59:52 GMT

Blah....today sucked. It started off as rainy and groggy monday and ended up being one of the worst days so far this semester. I know that I have been in the same place more often than not and I know the pain. I wish there was something I could do or say but I know right now the best thing is to only be a friend. I realized today that I myself have been very out of it lately. I've lost who I am. All I do is drink and try to forget. I have become someone I don't even know and that most of my friends feel as if they don't. I just wish I could change things and not make the mistakes I have been making. I realized that I am one of the luckiest people for having the friends I do and I felt horrible to know that I have treated my friends badly in the past. I've learned your friends are your family and I know that without them I would be even more lost is this fucked up world. I just need to find a better way to deal with emotions than getting drunk every weekend. I am not happy with who I am right now and I don't know how to fix that but I vow that as of today....it is time for change. We'll see it I stick to it and hopefully I will. On another note, my share test went good and I think I did pretty good on it. I Had a CP meeting today and I really enjoy working with Tecla. I am so excited for spring break....Playboy Mansion. The porch crew session is gonna throw down and it's going to be so much fun. I think it's like 12 days away which is even better because we all need a break. I miss my friends at home but I know I'd be miserable that long at home and I hate it there so much. Well it's time for bed....night everyone (if anyone reads this) and I love you all.

AHHHH!

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 16:22:21 GMT

So about me having a test at 2:30 and me stressing out about it. Why do I always wait until the last minute to study?! I really need to get better about that. Well I'm listening to dashboard as I study on this rainy day....sounds depressing right? Anyways, I gotta go and try to focus on this, I'll update later.

Who makes the most money madame heidi?

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 04:59:14 GMT

so yeah everyone has these online journals and I figure it must be good stress release so I figured I'd try it. So yeah I have been so stressed lately that I can barely function. Thank god student government elections are over, although I wish we would have won but oh well. I talked to my mom today and for once she didn't make me feel bad for anything. She's crazy though, she called me to talk to me about DL brothers. Anyways, it was nice just to talk for a change and I'm happy she is sending me money because I have been waiting on my damn refund check for too long. This past weekend was def a DD weekend. My new definition for DD is Drunk and Dramatic. Friday wasn't so bad. After finding out the outcomes of the elections I went to the doctor's office with Jenna and Louis. I'm glad Louis is back, everyone missed him when he was gone. I ended up going to Joe's friday night to drink with some people and had a good time. Lauren got really drunk and evidently fell into a potted plant. The plan was to go to cabaret after Joe's but that def never happened. After having Louis picked us up with some guy named Billy (I found Billy) we came back to bates for the night. I didn't do much saturday during the day. Just hung around with Jenna and went shopping with everyone in preperation for the stripperella party. I have to say I liked my outfit a lot. I threw it together last minute but it was hot so it's ok. Brian's hair looked really good too and Louis scared me a little with his make-up and whip. All in all, the porch session crew did a good job at participating. Abi (aka Heidi) declared that she was our madame but everyone knows who made the most money, right? We pre-gamed for awhile and then left for the party. Jenna was def hot and everyone told her so all night which I hope made her feel good. The party was fun and oddly enough I ended up in the bathroom for than a few times (go figure). I don't know what it is but I just always end up in the bathroom. My army stuff was so incredibly campy though....those boots were like butch times 10000. We went to cabaret which is where the night went sour and yeah about that situation. I need to fix a lot of things and how I act towards people but it's harder said than done and I don't know how really. Thanks Jenna and Abi for calming me down, you know that I appreciate it. So yeah I fixed the things I mesed up but I wish I could go back and change some things but I guess we all make mistakes....I just make more than I'd like. And on a sidenote....I really need to not IM people when I'm drunk anymore because you never know when a printed off conversation may surface. Today has been a long day but I had a good day. I liked being alone for once and just listening to dashboard. I need to re-evaluate a lot of things and I had a chance to think about some stuff today. I have procrastinated studying all day though and I'll be tired tomorrow. Ok it's study time.